John McCain: A Portrait

Given John McCain's re-emergence as a front-runner, I decided to actually look at the campaign mail sent in his name and at his website to determine what kind of man he is. It's kind of like looking into his eye and thinking to one's self, "this is a _____ man."

And if there's one thing he is - it's a man. A manly man, one of vigor. Dare I say it, a frosty man.

And I can divine this with one line from one campaign e-mail:

John McCain's momentum is now unstoppable. [emphasis added to make it extra badass]

I can only hear that line being delivered by a professional wrestler:

He's also got some great push-polling. I love this little gimmick at the bottom-left corner of his web landing page:

Right here is the reason why some people can look you in the face and tell you that certain facts are merely "your opinion." It's pretty brilliant. Being that I was interested in how much the the Democrat's tax resolution would raise the American tax bill, I decided to put the question to someone I trust - John McCain:

John McCain will make the Bush income and investment tax cuts permanent, keeping income tax rates at their current level and fighting the Democrats' plans for a crippling tax increase in 2011. Left to their devices, Democrats will impose a massive $100 billion tax hike, almost $700 per taxpayer every year.

I go back to the poll.

Huh. $100 billion's not even an option for an opinion.

Jackass.

But of course, your average spender may not have the time nor the inclination to actually find out what John McCain might have to say about the issue. You too want to know how much the Democrat's tax bill is going to be, and you figure the answer must be in the poll options. Being the smart, politically savvy conservative that you are, you use your powers of deduction to eliminate the obvious non-answers and figure out the correct option from what remains, just like they taught you in those damn SAT tutorials.

So let's do this. $0? BWAHAHA! Even the Democrat Party doesn't believe you can get something for nothing! Very droll!

$500 million? Chump change to Democrats. They'll spend that on teenage abortions alone *mild chuckle*.

$200 billion? That sounds more like the Democrat Party I know *knowing chortle*.

$500 billion!?! Not even the Democrats could be that crazy! But with a San Francisco tax-and-spender as the Speaker and a parochial influence peddler leading the Senate majority waiting to be steamrolled by... dear god, a big-city minority president, those tax bills could get crazy out of control! The only question is, would they stop at $500 billion *outrage*!

By golly, we need a Republican to keep those rascally Democrats under control! $200-500 billion tax bills! If Ronald Reagan knew, he'd be spinning in his grave!

This presidential contender is my kind of scum.