Cured!

Well, we can all breathe a sigh of relief, because Ted Haggard's a changed man. You remember Ted Haggard, don't you?

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality."

Thankfully, after weeks of intensive counseling, he's been cured!

"[Haggard] is completely heterosexual," [Rev. Tim] Ralph said [to the Denver Post]. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

What a story. After struggling with his sexual identity for years, Haggard embarked in a magical voyage of self-discovery (in which I'm going to assume there was much talk about "feelings"). And now that this trip to the center of his heart is finished, Haggard can come out as "completely heterosexual!"

A complete heterosexual, mind you, not some crank-smokin', male prostitute-patronizing partial heterosexual.

And now that Haggard, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, has come out as completely and utterly straight, what are his plans?

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology.

Presumably in order to help cure more partial heterosexuals.