medulla noodle

How did I ever get so lucky as to wake up and discover that the National Review had gone in search of the 50 greatest conservative rock songs? Was I really blessed with a chance to mock a conservative's hackneyed attempts at cultural criticism and his taste in music?

Yes. Yes I was.

By what criteria are we going to discern the 50 greatest conservative rockers?:

What makes a great conservative rock song? The lyrics must convey a conservative idea or sentiment, such as skepticism of government or support for traditional values. And, to be sure, it must be a great rock song. We’re biased in favor of songs that are already popular, but have tossed in a few little-known gems. In several cases, the musicians are outspoken liberals. Others are notorious libertines. For the purposes of this list, however, we don’t hold any of this against them. Finally, it would have been easy to include half a dozen songs by both the Kinks and Rush, but we’ve made an effort to cast a wide net. Who ever said diversity isn’t a conservative principle?

Now to be sure, they have a good top 5: the Who, the Beatles, the Stones, Skynard, and the Beach Boys - it's hard to argue with the greatness of the songs.

But let's keep moving down the list. I'm sure John Lennon is pleased about the selective quotations from "Revolution" enshrining that song in the conservative pantheon.

14. “Right Here, Right Now,” by Jesus Jones - The words are vague, but they’re also about the fall of Communism and the end of the Cold War: “I was alive and I waited for this. . . . Watching the world wake up from history.”

If the words are vague, they could be about finding pink Caddilacs in the Bible. By the way, wasn't one of the criteria actually being a great rock song?

16. “Get Over It,” by The Eagles - Against the culture of grievance: “The big, bad world doesn’t owe you a thing.” There’s also this nice line: “I’d like to find your inner child and kick its little ass.”

You have the entire Eagles catalog, and the only song that meets your criteria is from the 1994 reunion album? Any song from Hell Freezes Over is by definition not a great song. It's only the sixteenth spot, and we're already stretching to bounds of credibility to populate this list.

18. “Cult of Personality,” by Living Colour - A hard-rocking critique of state power, whacking Mussolini, Stalin, and even JFK: “I exploit you, still you love me / I tell you one and one makes three / I’m the cult of personality.”

Now's probably not the time to mention the Reagan and W. fetishism (not so much the latter these days) that passes for discourse in conservative circles.

20. “Rock the Casbah,” by The Clash - After 9/11, American radio stations were urged not to play this 1982 song, one of the biggest hits by a seminal punk band, because it was seen as too provocative. Meanwhile, British Forces Broadcasting Service (the radio station for British troops serving in Iraq) has said that this is one of its most requested tunes.

Shorter Miller: This song rocks because it's about bombing brown people.

24. “Der Kommissar,” by After the Fire - On the misery of East German life: “Don’t turn around, uh-oh / Der Kommissar’s in town, uh-oh / He’s got the power / And you’re so weak / And your frustration / Will not let you speak.” Also a hit song for Falco, who wrote it.

Who the fuck is After the Fire?

25. “The Battle of Evermore,” by Led Zeppelin - The lyrics are straight out of Robert Plant’s Middle Earth period — there are lines about “ring wraiths” and “magic runes” — but for a song released in 1971, it’s hard to miss the Cold War metaphor: “The tyrant’s face is red.”

I'm sure when he wasn't snorting prodigious amounts of blow or having German Shepherds lick strategically placed slices of bacon off of the bodies of his groupies, Robert Plant was attempting to construct an allegorical narrative of Vietnam-era geopolitics.

29. “Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” by Iron Maiden - A heavy-metal classic inspired by a literary classic. How many other rock songs quote directly from Samuel Taylor Coleridge?

Okay, this one's pretty fucking cool. Kudos.

38. “I Can’t Drive 55,” by Sammy Hagar - A rocker’s objection to the nanny state. (See also Hagar’s pro-America song “VOA.”)

Well, if you wanted to complete my mental image of your lily-white trust fund ass weaving in and out of traffic on the 5 in your daddy's Boxster, I suppose this would be the song for the occasion, wouldn't it, asshole?

46. “Wind of Change,” by The Scorpions - A German hard-rock group’s optimistic power ballad about the end of the Cold War and national reunification: “The world is closing in / Did you ever think / That we could be so close, like brothers / The future’s in the air / I can feel it everywhere / Blowing with the wind of change.”

Doesn't the inclusion of the Scorpions on any "greatest of" list automatically throw into doubt any pretensions towards greatness? I mean, it's the Scorpions!

47. “One,” by Creed - Against racial preferences: “Society blind by color / Why hold down one to raise another / Discrimination now on both sides / Seeds of hate blossom further.”

48. “Why Don’t You Get a Job,” by The Offspring - The lyrics aren’t exactly Shakespearean, but they’re refreshingly blunt and they capture a motive force behind welfare reform.

49. “Abortion,” by Kid Rock - A plaintive song sung by a man who confronts his unborn child’s abortion: “I know your brothers and your sister and your mother too / Man I wish you could see them too.”

If these three make your greatest list, you can have 'em.

And finally, this isn't even a rock song: